It seems pregnancy is all around me these days (NO not me, thank god. I'm quite happy with one kid for now). One friend recently made her announcement, I have another for whom it's (hopefully) in the works, and this morning I found out that one of
my favorite bloggers is also knocked up. Wonderful, wonderful stuff.
Unfortunately, weeks/months before that, miscarriage seemed to be everywhere.
Various internet acquaintances were letting on to their experiences, and it was heartbreaking to read.
It's a usually-unquestioned wisdom of pregnancy that you don't share your news until you are out of your first trimester, which is considered the "danger zone." Those first 12-13 weeks (amazing how much debate still goes into seemingly simple things like pregnancy math... who knew) are when chances of miscarriage are the highest. Miscarriage is astoundingly common-- it is estimated that 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and I've read that every woman has probably 2 miscarriage in her life (though many of these happen before you even knew you were pregnant to begin with).
It's something that so many women experience, yet is hardly ever talked about. That's changing somewhat-- the aforementioned (or aforelinked?) bloggers are changing that stigma. And I completely understand that for many, if not most, women it's just be too painful to have to relay the dreadful news over and over to people who ask about their pregnancy, if the news was revealed "too early."
But reading about the experiences of these women, I also felt ill thinking of all the women who've gone through such despair and turmoil, mourning the loss of their would-be child, without ever telling anyone. Having to suffer alone, in silence. When a friend or family member, or heck even a pet, dies, loved ones flock in to provide support. But a pregnancy ending is treated as a dirty little secret. Does that make any sense?
I'm grateful not to have had personal experience wit hthis, so I also may just not understand. With D, we told a small group of close family and friends pretty early on (6-8weeks) and told everyone else at about 10 weeks, after our 2nd ultrasound confirming that everything was going well. I wonder what we'll do next time, when it's time to give D a sibling.
What are your thoughts?
Comments (5)
Miscarriages are never a good thing...
I don't think it is right for any woman who has one to feel totally ashamed for it.
It seems that women should have some kind of an outlet for sharing feelings about this. I do know that there are quite a few online groups dedicated to this, as I have a friend who suffered through this a few years ago. I think it's always one of those heartwrenching things you never really recover from.
I think I openly talk about my miscarriage at least once a day. It's quite frequently on my mind, and I have very few qualms about ever sharing what is on my mind. My experiences with talking about it have varied from people who have no idea what to say, to people who give me a sympathetic look and just say sorry. The more I talk about it the better I feel. I am glad to educate someone who does not know "why" miscarriages happen. Even if it makes them feel a bit uncomfortable at the time, I think in the long run it is better for them to know.
Good post Marcy :o)
I am open about mine. I don't know that I ever blogged about it though--openly anyway. I did blog about loss in general around the time that I discovered I had one. Those who had been reading my blog for a while, I think, knew exactly what I wasn't saying within what I was.
I wonder if it is difficult to discuss that loss because we are told that if we miscarry, it is probably for the best-the body's way of sparing the baby from a low quality of life and all of that. I know when people said that to me, it hurt. It didn't hurt because I wanted a special needs child. It hurt because I felt like they were taking away my "permission" to grieve the loss.
It hurt even more after talking to the doctor about it.
Now, I want to blog it. Hmm...
Since I know that you are pro-abortion, your topic topic on miscarriage has made me want to ask you a question. If a good friend of yours were to have the unfortunate experience of a miscarriage, would you be sad for the mother, your friend, or for the child that was never able to experience life?